This just confuses the hell out of me.

Tired?

Yes, but why would you like to know?

Another Close Call

Lou had another seizure last night. At about four in the morning, I woke up to hear some snorting and scuffling. I had just figured out what was going on, which took a minute, when the sound stopped. I got up and walked over to...I don't remember where it was. Somewhere near the kitchen, I think. Anyways, I walked over there, and nearly tripped over my own cat, who was just sitting there watching it all happen. I saw a dark lump up ahead, touched it, and sure enough, it was Little Lou on her side, on the floor. It looked like she had fallen off of the top of the chair that she loved so much, and onto the concrete, about four feet. But, being in the middle of a seizure, she was unable to land properly. My first thought was, "Oh shit, Lou's dead," so I immediatly woke up my parents. My mom went and took care of her while my dad talked to her and I just stood there. I was still too asleep to do anything.

Lou is perfectly fine now, and she won't shut up. She likes to talk a lot normally, but after a seizure she will have to tell you every single detail. At about six this morning, she was literally chattering, and because of that I couldn't sleep. I'm still in a bitchy mood, especially since my sister wouldn't let me use the computer to study. Hey curling's on. Ooooooooo.

Speaking of tv, yesterday I was channel surfing and I saw Dora the Explorer on Knowledge Network. I had to stop and watch it, since it is my two year old cousin's favourite show and I had never seen it. After watching one episode, I have decided three things. One, I think that Map and Backpack are secretly having an affair. Two, I like the fact that they encourage audience participation, but when Dora and Boots just stare at you for a few seconds without blinking, it's kind of creepy. And three, it's so repeditive. I'm still chanting "Lake, Tunnel, Rainbow!" However, I think that I'm going to enter the contest for one of ten Dora the Explorer prize packs for my cousin. I'm already her favourite because I gave her pretty bracelets for Christmas, so just think of how much she will love me. Materialistic things give people so much pleasure.

And where would I be without my mp3 player? I've only had it for a month, and already I am so dependant on it. My friends say that I listen to weird music. Just because it's not mainstream, doesn't mean that it isn't good. What's wrong with a little German Techno, with some Mike Turner and Kaizer's Orchestra mixed in? Nothing? I didn't think so.

You are being WATCHED

This morning, my dad was in the shower, and he had the odd feeling that he was being watched. He looked around and finally noticed a little black head with yellow eyes looking at him. Yes, Little Lou had somehow gotten up into the rafters and was silently watching people shower. Now, I was as surprised to find out about this sweet little cat's weird sexual fantasies as much as the next person, but it got me thinking about the other cats and their relationships with the bathtub. For instance, take my sister's cat, Sally. Every once in a while, she would decide that she wanted to be close to my sister, and would jump into the bathtub while my sister was having a shower. She would then decide that it was too wet in the bathtub and would try to get out, but would fail miserably. So, my sister would have to help her out of her predicament, and according to her, trying to lift a wet, twenty pound cat out of the bathtub, while she is all claws and you are all naked, is not an easy feat. My cat, on the other hand, at least has the common sense to not jump into the shower, at least while the water is running. Instead, she sits in the bathroom while you are in the shower, and cries until you turn the water off. And bloody hell, that's annoying. Damn you Frickie. Oh I didn't mean that. I can't be mad at a cat that lets me use her as my own personal pillow, and as an added bonus, I can always get my way if I threaten to throw her at people. My baby has a reputation for being bitchy, just like me. Someone once said that cats take on after their owners, and looking at my cat, a bitchy, lazy, and extremely annoying cat with bad eyesight, I'd say that they were right.

Now I know

My old house was torn down on Wednesday. I ran by it yesterday and had to stop and stare at it for a while. They filled in the hole, and left all of the trees around it. It was weird to not have that old house there anymore, and I couldn't help thinking of how small it was. I suppose that it would have been harder on me if I had actually seen it wrecked or even seen the rubble. I felt oddly calm about it, as if it was some other house that I had just remembered seeing there, and not the house that I had been living in for thirteen and a half years.

Yesterday was also the last day of semester one, and I was unhappy. I'm not going to have P.E. again until September, so now all that I have to stay fit is my weight training, my running and my dance. I'm not going to have any more science, which isn't my favourite subject, but I'm good at it and I liked my two teachers. Math class is something that I won't miss...except discussing with Jas about how Tina is so dependent on her friends, and so HOPELESS when it comes to math. It's true, she asks me for help in math, and she gets at least ten percent more that I do. These last few days were actually quite fun, if you could call math fun. And now we come to metal. I am going to miss it. The slacking off, the deciding to be entirely unproductive, spending half an hour washing one pendant, banging rawhide mallets to try and make as much noise as the other metal students, using Chris as a headrest, listening to my mp3 player and turning up the volume as loud as it would go, telling Darren to fuck off and thinking up ways to cut off that DAMN BRAID, sucking up to the people using the oxy-acetylene torches to light the oil lamps for jewelry, making glass beads, secretly putting plaster-dust handprints on the back of Jessica's jacket, dropping jewelry in acid, then watching Aaron use the lathe and playing with the little pieces of metal that came off, telling Kevin to fuck off, watching Russell play with that catapult that he made, getting out of class ten to twenty minutes early, getting my daily hug from Chris, and last but certainly not least, complaining with Jessica about how there were never any paper towels in the washroom when we went to wash our hands at the end of block five. On the bright side, no more listening to Maria obsess over Billy Martin (there is a God!).

Ahh, tis a sad day.

You need a labotomy. I'll go get a saw.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if everyone was a vegetable?

I hate people right now. They're all so...annoying. The people upstairs finally decided to shut up, which is good. I think the 10 year old girl, Mariah, had some friends over earlier. Lots of ten year old screaming and swearing going on.

I feel so cut off from everybody. Maple Ridge is so BORING. And my dad wonders why I spend all my time on msn. I did study today, for a while.

I really have nothing to say today. Nothing ever happens here.

Lol, don't you just love posting ramdom comments on random peoples' blogs? Oh the randomness!

Figures

He was getting help from his socials teacher.

Damn schoolwork.

The People I Love

My brother didn't come to cross-country today. I don't know why, since we aren't really related and don't live in the same house. I am worried; he never misses a practice, even though cross-country season has been over for three months. In fact, he is always the one asking me if I'm going. When he didn't show up today, I started to freak out, but only inside my head. I do love Sean, or else he wouldn't be my big brother. I just hope he realizes that some day...

I have been feeling a lot of love recently. An overwhelming amount. That is the only emotion that I've been feeling at all for the last week. I love everyone that I care about so much. Seriously, if any of my friends was seriously hurt, or died right now, I'd probably kill myself.

I really hate my life right now. I wish that I was happier, but everything has been so hectic, so stressful lately. I wish for more. I wish that someone would return my love, I wish that I didn't have to live in Maple Ridge, I wish that my house wasn't torn down yesterday and that I was still living there, I wish that I could keep off all the weight that I keep on losing (damnit! I wish I was as skinny as you Krystal!), I wish that my dad would stop chanting "Abby's addicted to the computer, Abby's addicted to the computer," I wish the people living upstairs would SHUT UP! Seriously, they are awake and making noise 24/7. I wish that we had a dishwasher, so that I can stop washing those damn dishes, I wish that I didn't have exams, I wish that my family would temporarily go away, so that I could have some peace, I wish...Arrggggggg!

A Few Choice Quotes for Krystal

These are just some of the quotes that I've been saving on my computer:

Death? Why this fuss about death. Use your imagination, try to visualize a world without death! ... Death is the essential condition of life, not an evil.

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

No person has the right to rain on your dreams.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.

And finally, here are two special ones from me to you:

If you wait for me Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled far, I always hold a place for you In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll return and fill that space in your heart.

If you're lost, I'll keep you warm and if your low, just hold on, cause I will be your safety.

Always remember that I love you, no matter what.

Two exams next week

I finally got an A on my last math test. What's pathetic is that it was triganometry and that is so easy. It's not my fault that I'm crappy at math. I'm considering doing normal, non-IB math next year.

Ahhhh! I'm so stressed these days! So much schoolwork, plus studying, plus the fact that one of my friends was depressed today (love you lots Krystal! If you ever need anything, just ask, or phone me), plus the fact that I really haven't felt any real emotion for the past few days.

I hate apathy.

Anyways, the final that I'm really worried about is math. I'm going to tutorials, or rather, I'm forced to go to tutorials, where we are in charge of working and doing our own thing. It really isn't much of a tutorial, since the only time that I see my math teacher is when he comes in to make sure that we are there. Only one more day of math!!!!!!! I'm really good at science so I'm not really worried about that one.

Dinner's ready...

What is love? The key to my soul.

I suddenly feel unloved. I know that there are people who love me, my friends and family, but I want to be loved more than that. I want to be one of those special someones who gets the attention of one main person. My only problem is that I don't know if I would be able to open up completely to them. Maybe not, at least not for a while. I just want to be loved...

I had a surprisingly good day today, well except for the constant pain in my knee. I did a lot physical activity today, from the hour and fifteen minutes of P.E., to the twenty minutes in the weight training room after school, to the hour and a half of dance. No wonder my knee hurts all the time. At least my mom is going to let me go to physio soon, probably next week. It just hurts so much. Sometimes its like someone is stabbing it through the side with a knife of fire, and sometimes its just a dull ache. But no matter what it is, it has been hurting almost constantly for the past few weeks. I would go and swear constantly for a good five minutes to let out my sudden anger, but my sister is asleep. Damn.

On a happier note...

This is very exciting. After over two weeks of having to wash my hair in the laundry room sink, I FINALLY GOT TO SHOWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!! This is working wonders for my self-confidence. Pity it won't last.

Yay! Another mildly depressing poem!

Wallowing in my apathy
trying to be overly happy
to compensate.
But it doesn't matter how loud I talk,
how many times I laugh,
how many huge I give,
nothing works, and
nothing will.
Usually
the ache of my knee will make me angry,
or sad, or depressed,
but right now I don't even really
feel the pain,
even though I complain
about it constantly.
I think that my friends are starting to worry,
and one part of me
wants to tell them
about my pain and suffering,
but the other five, or six
or eight
want me to battle this on my own.
They have their own worries,
their hopes and dreams
that I have no part in.
They could live without me.
Sometimes I wonder how
I ended up like this.
I used to be so happy,
yet watching, as one by one,
my friends would fall into
a deep pit
of self-loathing,
and depression,
and I would always,
always,
try to help them out,
help them stand on their feet,
help them be happy again.
Where is that
unextinguishable fire?
That raging energy, that bright light
that is moulded into
one teenage girl?
Who will help me out,
of this hole that I've dug?

At least she got the cd player to work.

Everyone around me is always a combination of very very happy and very very bitchy (namely my sister). She won't fucking leave me alone. Always looking over my shoulder at what I'm doing, not doing her CMNS and latin homework and then bitching about it the day before it's due (ahhh the joys of being in university). It's starting to get on my nerves. But hey, what am I supposed to do? She is four years older than me, and about five times stronger. I knew that I should have joined rowing. Oh the powerlessness of it all. I dunno, maybe I'm just being bitchy too. But don't blame me too much. My knee hurts again. I don't know why my mom won't schedule an appointment or two with a physiotherapist, that would be nice, since I injured it at the end of last September. But what would I do without cross-country? Probably be even bitchier. But anyways, my sister has a cat sitting on her right now, so she can't practice her hovering abilities.

Speaking of cats, mine won't shut up. She wants to go outside. She has really bad eyesight and we live in a completely different city, so right now I have to take her out on a leash, which she hates. Today, she was growling trying to bite and scratch me, which resulted in me tying the end of the leash to the door knob and walking over to the patio door to talk to my mom for ten minutes. When I got back, she was no less bitchy, so I lectured her on the privelige of going outside and how she was abusing it. Then I just picked her up with her claws facing AWAY from me, untied her leash and took her inside. (My mom had to take off her leash once we got inside.) After that, she was perfectly fine and she even had to sleep on my lap for two hours. I think it's because I threatened to not take her out anymore and since I'm the only one who ever does, that's a real threat. And I'm not going to, at least now for a few days. We can put up with her crying.

Now if you will excuse me for a second, I'm hungry and want coleslaw. I will be back in a moment.

Thank you.

Well I really don't have much more to rant about, since on my way to get food, I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it for five minutes. Now my sister is giving me odd looks.

Grrrrrrr, there's coleslaw dressing in my hair. I must go wash it out.

I like to think that the only religious bone in my body is my tailbone, so that I can sit on it and suppress it.

It's not like I have anything against religious people, I just don't appreciate it when people try to convert me. I mean, I have a lot of religious friends, Christian, Bhuddist, Jewish, Sikh, Muslim etc. and they're all pretty good about it, but every once in a while, one of them (usually Christian) will try to convert me without even noticing. Yesterday I was innocently reading a Harry Potter fanfic and at the end of each chapter, there was an author's note saying "Praise be to God!" or "Thank you to God for helping me write this chapter!" or "God is gracious!"...you get the picture. It was sickening and slightly disturbing that someone my age would be that sucked in. But what do I know? I'm just your friendly aethiest, living on a street full of happy little retired Christians, who wouldn't miss church on Sunday if their lives depended on it. By the way, if you heard about that pastor in Maple Ridge, who died in that snowstorm very recently, that's where most of them go. I think. That church is somewhat near my house . I hate living in Maple Ridge. It makes having a decent social life that more difficult. Oh well, I am going to go eat mushrooms and complain about my sudden moment of insecurity to anyone who'll listen, which is no one at the moment. Ooooo look my phone is fully charged. Such a pretty green...

A Poem...

I wrote this in science class on Monday.

Untitled

How I envy you
a little girl without a care.
How you play among the trees,
the bushes,
the park is your demense,
your kingdom,
to rule as you please.
I see you in your playhouse,
the one your dad made you.
Modeled after a house from
the Victorian era.
The way you play on the swings
hour after hour,
pumping your legs higher
and higher
until you reach the trees,
temporarily becoming a role model
to kids whose parents
are teaching them to
step out of the nest,
to fly.
And when your mom rings
that great cow bell of hers,
you yell "coming!"
jump off, land barefoot in the sand
and run home to dinner
on the porch.
I remember when you
used to hide in the bushes
around your house
pretending you were a spy,
or when you would ride
your bike around the park
over and over
around and around
because your mom wouldn't let you
ride anywhere else
without her.
I see you
walking to the middle of the inlet
when the tide is out
getting stuck up to your knees
in mud.
I remember the way that
you would run
along the beach,
the one part of the inlet
where there was sand
and you would collect
pieces of oyster shells
and pottery
and store them
in a special place that
you found while exploring.
You are the only one who knows
where it is.
I remember that special
skill that you have.
You could find a friend
and play with them for hours
and never know their name
or who they really are
and you'd never see them again
but still you'd have fun.
I see you sometimes,
dancing around the trees
near your house
waving a stick
pretending to control the weather.
You used to do that a lot.
But what happened to
that little girl?
That free spirit
who believed that
she could see faeries?
You grew up
and turned into a young woman
full of teenage angst,
who cares about her looks
and her social life
more than
her imagination.
Who on the outside,
is fun and happy,
but on the inside,
is crying in pain.
You've given up complaining
about that knee injury
because you know that
nobody but you cares
even though you take comfort
in complaining.
Today you were depressed,
but you didn't say anything.
At lunch, your friends
were too busy talking about
their band
to notice you.
They didn't even say goodbye
when you left for math.
And speaking of school,
you know that your grades
are dropping,
but for some reason,
you don't care.
You used to be
a straight A student,
now you're getting
a C+ in math.
The stress from home,
and moving,
is finally getting to you,
but you don't care.
You just want to
go home.
Sleep.
Dream of that little girl
that you used to be.
I know you envy her.
I do too.
Because that little girl,
was me.

I dunno...

I have so much to type. So many emotions to let out. But I am tired and don't feel like typing everything that I have been writing for the past few weeks so...there you go. I think that peice of paper is in my purse, but I don't know any more. I might have lost it forever in the garbage, someone else might have found it and known what I was crying over that day, or maybe it's just packed in a box somewhere. Everything else is.

I take comfort in the fact that no one ever reads my blog...at least no one I know. I hope not. They all think that I'm happy all the time, that one really bad joke can make me laugh and be hyper for the next two hours. None of them understand, and probably will never understand what I am going through, what I have been going through. They think that I tell them everything.

I want to listen to really loud music, the kind with lots of screaming, although I don't normally listen to that sort of thing. I can't because it's late, the people upstairs (and my family) would complain andI don't think that I have much of anything like that on my mp3 player. It's funny, I didn't notice before, but most of the music on my mp3 player is pretty quiet. I don't listen to a lot of mainstream music so yeah, it's pretty quiet. Except the copious amounts of Matt Good. Speaking of Matt Good, There's a song by him that has been running through my mind a lot for the past month or so called Message to God. The words say a lot about what I've been feeling recently.

If you can hear me, take me away from here,
For I'm no longer the person I thought I'd be.
There is no reason for me to go on like this.
I try to cry out, but no one will listen to me.