Oh the wonderous days of our childhood.

I would write about my day, but reliving old happy memories makes me depressed.

Do it.

Sign the petition.

Seriously, do it or I will pummel you with an eggplant.

Happiness is wherever you find it.

The only problem is that I can't find it anywhere.

I want my delicious homos and queer hot chocolate back.

Gud lar meg bli evig pint.

I don't know what it is about writing notes to Krisha that makes me so depressed, but for some reason, it does. In fact, I've been feeling really depressed and insecure since block four. I'm caught up in a whirlwind of depression and pain, both emotional and physical. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep all day tomorrow, but I know that I will probably have to get up at six, like I do everyday. Oh God, I still feel so sick. I barely ate anything today. I couldn't eat. All day I have had various people screaming in my ear, screaming about their love lives, or lack of, and how people are making fun of them. I wish I could help them, but I'm too caught up in my own life. I feel so different from last year. Last year, I was this overly annoying person, who was also overly selfish, but still managed to help her friends out of their depression, not actually knowing what it was like. It seems like this year we're all slowly being consumed by our own fears and insecurities, too busy to help anyone but ourselves.

I feel so useless.

I shouldn't have eaten that.

Today I was really really hungry, so hungry, that I decided to eat the turkey wrap that my mom accidentally made for me. It was so discusting and I had to wash my mouth out afterwards. Then after school I went for a run, but since I'm not used to eating meat, I felt really sick and thought that I was going to throw up. I still haven't, but I still think I'm going to. I hate turkey. I will seriously never eat meat again on my own free will. It's evil.

"Everything looks so quiet, from up here. Feels like I'm in a black and white movie, somewhere."

...and I don't mind sinking, into your eyes. Please help me, where are your eyes...

I have discovered a new song and I love it. It is called Black and White Movie, by Janove Ottesen, who is the lead singer of Kaizers Orchestra.

...everybody wants to go to heaven, when it's too late...

I'm going to be tired of it soon since I listen to it like eight times a day...but I don't care cuz I love it so much. I love all of my music.

...it doesn't take a genius to figure it out, don't have to be fucking brilliant to see, I'm not as smart as I seem to be...

I love that one...

...I'm filled with adrenalin, I'm eternally tormented...

I'm so bored and apathetic-like.

...a boy and his machine gun. If you're quiet we might see some...

The only thing that's keeping me entertained is song lyrics, mixed with the sound of Jepoardy in the background.

...perhaps you think I'm evil. What does it matter if we're crazy...

My sister got the internet to work on her laptop. I can now have the computer when I want.

...should wait around a while. Your body's bound to turn up...

By the way, these lyrics are all from different songs. Only the title and the first one are from Black and White Movie.

...and if there's nothing left to die for...

Today I felt very alone. In the library before school, everyone who I normally sit with, went and sat at a different table, so I had no one to talk to, but I didn't want to move because I was doing my French homework. In block three, most of my friends were writing the Pascal contest. I almost felt like writing it too, so that at least I would be in the same room with them. If I had gotten thirteen more points, I would have. I was really bored after school because my dad told me that he would pick me up at three thirty, but he picked me up an hour late, without even calling to tell me that he couldn't leave from work early.

...where has my head gone? Do you hold up, to mutilate the day away from me...

I got my matchmaker results, and most of my matches were ugly, someone I don't like, a combination of the first two, someone that I don't know, or someone that I am friends with already. There was a surprising amount of Asians on my list, most of them I either don't know or I don't like. In fact, the only people on my list that I am friends with, are Kenald and Jamie. Kenald is nice and really smart, although he is too much of a math geek, and Jamie's locker is next to mine and I give him a hug everyday anyways. This list also came with a shorter list of female friends that I am compatable with. Out of the six persons listed, I already know five of them. I am also on the lists of almost everyone else that I've seen, which means that I'm a very likeable person, which is good.

...now that you're drifting between life and death, wipe away that smirk, cuz you don't know what it'll be like...

Why yes, I do regularly starch my eyebrows.

Today I somehow mysteriously hurt my knee again, and it feels like someone is stabbing it through the side. I drew a picture of my head in art, and it looked possessed. I spent half an hour balancing a book on my head just because I could.

And yes, the other person in that picture is Tena, so stop asking me.

Figures.

You are 'French'. In the nineteenth century, it
was the international language of diplomacy.
It is a 'beautiful' language, meaning that it
is really just a low-fidelity copy of Latin.
You know the importance of communicating
'diplomatically', which for you means both
being polite and friendly when necessary and
using sophisticated, vicious sarcasm when
appropriate. Your life is guided by either
existentialism or nihilism, depending on the
weather. You have a certain appreciation for
the finer things in life, which is a diplomatic
way of saying that you are a disgusting
hedonist. Your problem is that French has been
obsolete for a long time.

What obsolete skill are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Stupid sister.

I still smell like stage makeup. Sheesh. The things I do for my grandmother.

It seems like today, I can do nothing that I want to. I was just sitting down to read, when my dad called me to go help him with electrical work (he forgets that I try to electrocute myself every time I do anything electrical) in the kitchen, which was painted yesterday. Hee hee, we thought that it would be a sort of greyish-bluish-greyish colour, but it actually turned out quite purple. Anyways, I had just started to do that, when my mom called me to go vacuum the inside of the van. After that, I had to watch my cat, who isn't allowed into the front yard, but somehow made her way out there. As I was walking inside to go put the vacuum away, my mom asked me to help make lunch, even though I can't cook. So I put the vacuum away and went over to help my mom, and my dad comes up and asks me to vacuum out his boots because they're full of sawdust. But as I was going to go do that, my sister asked me to go set the table. I was in the middle of that, when my dad came back and demanded to know why I hadn't vacuumed his boots yet. Now, my parents have gone to go visit my grandmother in Chilliwack, and I have a list of chores, including the dishes, obviously, and washing the kitchen floor. On the other hand, Erin hasn't done anything today, and doesn't have a list of chores, because she has to study for exams. Of course, when I walked by earlier, she was on the computer, and she definitely was not studying. Erin is kicking me off soon, and hopefully she will do some actual work. Unfortunately for me, even if she doesn't, she will still use the same excuse so that I can't go on the computer. I hate being the younger sibling.

I love my fedora.

Today I went to another little shivoo, after dancing for the nice elderly people at Eagle Ridge Manor, where coincidently, my grandmother lives. I have decided that I love one of my costumes, and I wore my fedora to Katie's party. I got there two hours early, so I helped Katie and Vicky, who I haven't seen since last June, cook food. It was a multicultural party, so we made pavlova and hummous. If you haven't already guessed, I went as a white person, with my fedora from my dance costume, my tank top, my dressy, yet casual, dress shirt, my tie-belt, and the pants from my duo that I really shouldn't be wearing because I can't wash them. Anyways, it was fun. There actually was a lot of food, since a couple people brought ice cream, and brownies, and that Korean noodle dish. There were only eight of us, but with Jenny and Krystal in the same house, and me teaching them and Vicky how to play foosball, well, there's a reason why Katie's basement is sound-proof. The builders must have known that we were coming. Not only that, but because they were being so loud, Krisha, Katie, and I had to turn the volume up on the TV, so that we could watch episodes of Family Guy and Futurama, and also hear them too.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

I suddenly want to sing for some reason. I also have nothing to write about. I really should just go and watch Saturday Night Live.

Nevermind. 50 Cent is performing right now. I hate rap.

No sense at all.

Today, I took hours out of my *cough* busy schedule to go to a stupid, little, half an hour long dance practice. The bus ride took an hour and a half. I don't know why they insist that we go to these Friday practices. This is the first one that I actually didn't "forget" to go to, but it's not like we did anything productive, so I don't see why I even had to go.

Anyways, just for my amusement, and I guess everyone else's too, I'm going to put in a link of one of my favouritest sites ever. It's what keeps my relatively happy. Sometimes.

That is one fun piece of ham.

Last night I went to a Youth Week planning committee meeting. Youth Week is the first week of May, and it's a province-wide event. There were people there from all over the Lower Mainland. There was an improv team there to entertain us, there was pizza, and everyone was so happy to be there, and it was contagious. There were lots of ideas passed around and now I'm excited because I can actually participate in Youth Week this year. Last year I was camping for six out of the seven days, on the Sunshine Coast for the first three with a group of *cough* *cough* "close and personal friends out having a good time," (pathfinders) then spending one night at home, and then camping with my school for the other three.

Anyways, I've got a cold, and it's really annoying. I have lost my senses of smell, taste, and hearing, and I can't think properly.

I was just eating dinner, and Erin was feeding Little Lou pieces of ham. We had extra because my mom made some for me, but she obviously forgot that I am a vegetarian. Anyways, Lou had her fill and started playing with a piece of ham. She must have been having fun, since she was jumping all around the kitchen. Humans aren't the only animals that play with their food. I might play with my food, but I'm too busy eating it.

We have a pro-d-day tomorrow, and I 'm definitely not looking forward to it. I will spend all day fighting over the computer with my sister, and then taking an hour and a half long bus ride to Coquitlam for dance. There is absolutely no way that I can miss this practice because I have a show this weekend, and I accidentally promised that I would be there. Damn.

I wonder if Lou is still playing with that ham...

Not fair.

My stupid msn account is screwed up and I had to make another one, which meant remembering everybody's email addresses. That's really hard since I'm sick and can't think properly. I can't even spell either. This stupid little post has now taken me twenty minutes to type because I keep on having to go back and correct the spelling on everything. It has now been twenty-three minutes. I need sleep.

Screws aren't the only thing that I'm losing. I'm thinking more along the lines of brain cells.

I lost a screw out of one of my tap shoes today (it was the old pair) and I couldn't find it. It made me sound funny when I danced.

My family is pissing me off! I don't care about eating dinner with everyone else, I don't care if I don't do the dishes, and I certainly don't give a fuck that my sister has six mid-terms in the next two weeks. She can use her fucking laptop, her precious Pheobus. I have English notes, captions and dialogue for a cartoon that I'm working on with Becky in socials, and something for French, I don't remember what, due tomorrow and my dad still made me slave over the dishes for half an hour.

I couldn't think at all today. I honestly don't remember almost anything that happened today. I remember staring at the floor for almost all of block three...

I really should do my homework.

DIE SIDHU DIE! STUPID, INCOMPETENT, IDIOTIC...THERE ARE REASONS WHY YOU NEVER BECAME A REAL TEACHER. IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU!

I feel slightly better now.

Screw the love! Just give me the chocolate!

Once again, I'm single on Valentine's Day. Not that I really care. Most of my friends were randomly giving out chocolate, and I get a box of chocolate and a present every year from my parents, so I was never without.

Other than that, I had a really shitty day. I was kicked out of the library this morning because my friends wouldn't shut up, and yes I was talking, but I was also trying to finish my French homework. Stupid woman. I think it's descrimination. I was the only caucasian person at my table.

Also, the ring that I have been wearing on and off for the last nine years, somehow disappeared off of my finger today in advisory. I don't know what it is about me and my favourite pieces of jewelery these days, but I think that I should stop wearing anything that has great sentimental value to me for a while.

My socials class is so disorganized, our teacher, who is a sub, and who has taught me for at least a week every year for the last six years, is so incompetent. He can't teach and he can't keep anything under control. Today, he made us a seating plan, and it just happened to be the one day that I was actually fairly quiet and actually trying to concentrate. Luckily, I was seated next to Jas, so it's not that bad.

My throat still hurts from yesterday, and chocolate did nothing to help. Neither did cupcakes. Or cookies. Or cinnamon hearts. Or Starbucks. Or Tim Hortons. I am such a pig. I did go weight train for half an hour after school with my friends, so that does account for something. And when your mom tries a Chantico for the first time, it's fun to sit next to her and chant, "Only three hundred and ninety calories. Only twenty-one grams of fat. Only fifty-one grams of carbs." I am an evil little child. I'm surprised that I didn't get smacked.

So yeah, my day was really crappy. And almost coincidently, I'm suddenly feeling a moment of insecurity and self-loathing.

I need chocolate.

REGURGITATE NOW!!

So today for breakfast, my mom made pancakes. They were banana nut, or something like that.

Harmless right?

Unfortunately, I am allergic to bananas. Even more unfortunately is the fact that I love bananas.

Anyways, I'm eating pancakes and the inside of my throat is getting all itchy, but I don't even really notice because I was too busy listening to my dad rant about the curriculum in high schools and how it's so crappy. He was going on about how we learn all of the facts, but they don't really expect us to think. They just want us to regurgitate everything on the final. We were talking about books that we are forced to read in English class. Yes they are interpretive, and make you think a little more, but from what you gain from the sophistication of the writing and plot, you lose through lack of interest. There are books out there that are both interpretive and enjoyable! And usually the theme of the book isn't even really relevant today. For example, "In the Heat of the Night." It's about a homicide, but basically the whole recurring theme is that racism is bad. I already know that it is. I don't need a book about white people being mean to black people in Alabama, that was written in 1965 to tell me that. If I wanted to read a book about racism, I would want to read something that is relevant to me, to 2005. I'd rather read about the Middle East. We were also discussing social studies. There is no emotion in social studies. You get the facts, you regurgitate them, get the facts, regurgitate. You don't think about how the person that you're learning about is feeling, you don't ever know what their exact motives for doing whatever it is that they've done. Also, why do we learn about history in a linear fashion? Why not, "Let's look at love in history today. Now let's look at hate. Now let's look at this. Now let's look at that. Now let's see how this all ties together." I think that it would be way more effective. But what do I know. What do any of us know.

Nothing.

Stupid Variety Show of Hearts Telethon

I'm not against what they do, in fact I think that it's great, but when you stay up late to watch Saturday Night Live, only to find out that it's not on...

*Stupid TV*

And considering the fact that it's one of the only shows that I ever watch, since I don't watch TV...

*Stupid TV*

I want to go to bed, but the rest of my family found some late night movie that I want to watch. The is the problem with being forced to live on the living room floor.

*Stupid TV*

Shoes!! Oh god, I sound like Siobhan.

I finally got tap shoes! Finally! Not only one, but two pairs! One is identical to the pair that I had before, your classic character tap shoes, and they cost eighty dollars, plus taps, which cost an extra thirty. The other pair, is a pair of oxfords, which are basically the type of shoes that guys wear, and they cost one hundred and fourty dollars, and came with the taps already on. But, we saved ten percent because of some sale, so all together, it only cost my mom two hundred and fourty dollars. I have promised her that I won't complain or ask for new ones for the next five years or longer for obvious reasons.

Today I went to a get-together at Katie's house. Apparently there were supposed to be a lot of people going, but there were only four of us there, including Katie herself. (Katie, Krisha, Sas, and I.) Basically we talked, ate rum balls, which were pretty good considering the fact that I hate rum, ate celery and hummus, watched movie trailers, and danced to obscure music. It was a good little shivoo. I feel so cultured.

For those of you with limited vocabularies, a shivoo is a get-together or party. We found that in Katie's wonderful Australian dictionary back in November. Seriously, it has some pretty...interesting and rather obscure words in there. We were bored that day and we were looking up swear words in her dictionary, even though doing that is really juvenile. It's amazing how many different ways you can fit the word fuck into a sentence, and even more amazing how many times that you can fit the same word into kareoke. Yes we sing kareoke sometimes. Norah Jones just seems so much better with swearing. "I fucking don't know why I fucking didn't come. Why the fuck didn't I come?" That was a good day. I wish that I could laugh like that more often.

"Take your lips and turn them upside down. Make me slowly in the image of your perfection."

Why do I always feel that I'm living a life that someone made for me, and not my own? I'm forced to do almost everything. Forced to do well in school, forced to live in a place that I hate, forced to stay home while my friends have fun, because I live in a place that I hate, forced to eat dinner when I don't want to. Seriously, my parents just made me eat dinner, after all of that food in French, plus an ice cap, plus an afterschool snack of japelino nachos. I swear that I'm destined to be fat, just like all of the other women in my family.

I wish that I could have more freedom. I want to go out and live my own life, to let go for a while.

I want to be truly happy.

By the way, I'm not actually that violent.

I lost my Celtic pendant today. It was the one that I made in metal class. It was the one that everybody exclaimed over. "Wow, that is so cool! You made that?" It took me, like, two weeks to make. I sense another night of silent crying.

I don't know what is wrong with me right now. It's like I'm perpetually PMSing these days. I feel a bit like John Kerry; I flip-flop about almost anything. I dunno, maybe stress is raging some giant battle against laziness and other such things inside of me.

I swear that I'm going to murder, or cause serious bodily harm to someone if I don't get my pendant back. I haven't decided who yet. Ooooo maybe Darren. I can't stand him.

I really want to break Siobhan's arm or her nose or something right now. I hate how she always assumes that I act depressed just to get attention. I was genuinely depressed today.

I want to punch something...or someone.

I really should play contact sports. Maybe I'll step on someone's foot while wearing tap shoes. That really hurts.

But alas, I'm too small to do much damage...or not.

Oh the stupidness!

My family has a history of being weird.

This latest case is my uncle, who is going to trial for fraud, and indirectly stealing fifty thousand dollars from an eighty year-old woman. The ironic thing is that his son, my cousin, is a policeman in Abbotsford.

Speaking of relatives that I don't like talking to, my aunt just called. This is really creepy.

Who else...

Yesterday, I found out that another uncle has an honourary black belt. Heehee, I'd like to see him try to do any form of martial arts. (He is a fat, ugly, sixty-four year-old political science prof at the University of Windsor in Ontario) However, apparently, he is being quoted quite a bit these days up at SFU. People are actually reading his books. I dunno, anything called "Canadian Regulatory Agencies" isn't very high up on my reading list.

There is also my dear grandmother, who hates everything and everyone, except her grandchildren, mainly me, my sister, and my cousin. She has had MS since her late twenties, and has been perpetually bitchy ever since, although my mom says that she was even before that. Her rantings are actually quite funny sometimes. Whenever someone asks me why I have such a bad swearing problem, I always say that it is my grandma's fault. The only problem with her yelling, is that she can be pretty racist, but I think that she's slowly getting better about it.

And now my favorite.

My mom's cousin, David was caught trying to smuggle marijuana across the border into Montana. Police searched his house and found a grow-op. His mom, who lived with him, denied that he had ever done anything wrong.

There are more, but I can't remember any.

Why must everything have a title?

I cried myself to sleep last night.

It's funny; the source of all my misery was over something materialistic. A bracelet. Now, I'm guessing that most of the people who read this are somwhat smart, and can put two and two together and guess that this bracelet is special.

So let's see, why is this bracelet so special? Well, it was a gift from my best friend the last time I saw her, and pretty much the last time I talked to her, almost five years ago. It's nothing spectacular, it's got pink wooden beads that smell like strawberries, and it's stretchy. I can't wear it anymore, because the elastic is broken, just like my friendship.

Frickie comforted me last night. She always knows when I'm upset. She came and layed down next to my head and licked my cheek, as if to say, "It's okay, everything will be alright," but it's not, and it won't be.

Everything is crazy these days. People are getting used to actually doing homework again, (I have another fucking essay due tomorrow,) Krystal was depressed again today, and no amount of random hugging was making her feel any better, and this one girl, who just happens to be in three of my classes, was hit by a car the other day, when a car crashed into the bus stop that she was waiting at. Apparantly, shes okay, but her foot hurts. I personally have never broken ten bones in my foot at one time, but I can imagine how it feels.

On a happier note, I found a blue styrofoam hat and I love it.

My first day of second semester.

All that I can say is wow. Who knew, that one day could be so overwhelmingly boring? I'm not going to write much, because I'm trying to type up an English essay that's due tomorrow. Bloody hell, I have a fucking essay already!

I felt ugly and fat today, and nothing that anybody said or did made me feel any better. Because of going to Starbucks and Dairy Queen and going out for gelato etc, I have gained two pounds in the past week. My self-esteem has gone down the drain.

Oh look, Sean's trying to make me feel better and it's not working.

Oh well, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, and hopefully I'l be able to write something decent tomorrow without falling asleep completely.

I hate my life, and I hate everyone in it.

Fuck all of you.

Kitchen floors and concerts.

Yesterday I wasn't allowed to go into the kitchen because we were putting a new floor in. I was okay with that, but the cats were pretty pissed off because we moved their food dishes. The only problem was that my parents made Erin and I walk to Subway to buy sandwiches, and that involved going outside.

Today, my family went to see the CBC Radio Two Orchestra at the Chan centre at UBC for the first concert of the Spring Concert Series. It was pretty good, and for once my sister wasn't complaining about not being able to see. I don't really care, because I always bring a book to read. I like listening to the music, but watching them play makes me want to sleep. Today's program included a bassoon solo, and the premier of some new piece by some short guy from Edmonton, that overall, was pretty good. I liked the cello solo, but sometimes there would be so many melodies and counter-melodies, and so much going on at one time, that it would sound really muddled.

Anyways, tomorrow is Blues Monday, and I don't know what I'm going to do for two hours after school. I'm supposed to meet my dad at Starbucks at four, but I get out of school at twoish.

I hate Mondays.

This is really creepy

Conspiracy?

The strangest thing is that it all makes perfect sense...

The dogs from hell.

Today after advisory, I went over to Sean's house. We ended up spending over six hours sitting on his bed and talking. Well, not exactly sitting, but if I say anything more, people will get the wrong impression. We talked a LOT, about almost everything, ate cake, listened to music, and got attacked by his two dogs, who are huge and dumb. The only problem, was that his cousin was home, and she wouldn't leave, or else we would have watched a movie.

I stayed longer than I was going to, because I "forgot" that I had dance today. It's not like I wanted to go anyways. I swear that Thomas's mom has no life, and because of that, she schedules all of these extra practices for us just so that she can watch. Everyone else hates this too, but usually no one has anything better to do. I personally think that sitting around doing nothing is better than going to an extra dance practice.

Anyways, my shoulder really hurts, and I don't know why. Apparantly, it kept cracking, but I never heard it or felt it, and I think that Sean is slowly going crazy, as are all of us.

One second, my dad is ranting about something.

Hmmmmm this is interesting.

...something about ketchup.

...and dishes.

...and hydrogen peroxide? This is getting really weird.

Heh, but that's just my family. You gotta love em.

Maybe a little obsessed?

My sister is referring to her new laptop as "Pheobus" and it's creeping me out.

So confused...

About an hour ago, my friend told me that her friend had commited suicide. I want to help her, but I don't know how. This is all so overwhelming. Apparantly, her friend was living with her best friend, and she came home one day to find that he had hung himself in the bathroom, and she was so upset that she killed herself too. The last time that my friend talked to her, she had drunk five bottles of vodka and had taken a bottle of sleeping pills. I feel that I should be more upset, but I'm not. I still haven't gotten over my apathy.

I hope that my friend will be okay.

Heeheehee *cough* *cough*

My science exam was the easiest exam that I have ever written. I finished it in half an hour. The problem with exams however, is that you go to Starbucks far too much. Today I went to Starbucks again. I tried one of those Chantico things, and it was really good. After that, my dad took my sister and I to Dairy Queen. Grrrrrr I am going to be fat very soon. Anyways, I was reading the newspaper in Dairy Queen, and I came across a tiny little article about Chantico. Let's just say that I'm not going to get one of those very often. A six ounce cup of Chantico has 390 calories, 21 grams of fat, and 51 grams of carbs. Exams make me fat.

Ahh I can't think of anything to write. Or maybe I'm just too tired.

I'll go for a run tomorrow.

Tired

I am so tired. Today I had a math exam, which was easier than I thought, but I got to my exam five hours early. Luckily, Sean came to keep me company and to keep my boredom from overtaking me completely. We had...fun, i guess, walking, and going to Starbucks, and walking, and more walking, and talking, though that was mostly me, and most importantly SLEEPING. We spent an hour in the library sleeping. Sean makes a really good headrest. Except when he laughs... Anyways, after my exam, I went to Starbucks again with Siobhan and Faaria. I wasn't going to, but I was really hungry. Afterwards, I went to dance, and was forced to undergo that torture; i hate dancing with shoes that are too small. I even offered to buy my own, because they're only about eighty dollars, but noooooooo. Damn my mother. Oh, I don't mean that. Anyways, I was dancing in shoes that were too small. And my knee hurt again, but I know why this time, sort of. Yes... I had to take the bus home after that...ummmmm, it's about an hour from Coquitlam Station. That wasn't too bad, but it involved walking from my dance school, to the station. Even though I cut through the mall, it was still hell. So now I'm at home, and I should be studying for my science exam tomorrow, but I'm not. However, if anyone asks...